Lessons from Tough Interactions and How to use them for Self-Growth

What can we learn from unavoidable, tough interactions with others, in the course of our lives? And how can we use those instances as self-growth opportunities?
We are all imperfect and our imperfection is the mark of our authenticity, as well as, a friendly reminder that with a bit of an effort, we can evolve to better versions of our current self.

 I will draw inspiration from few Presuppositions i.e., some of the underlying principles encountered both in NLP, and in Coaching. In particular,

 All behaviour has a positive intention for the person exhibiting it i.e., people are always trying to achieve something, although may not be clear what that is.
There are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful states of mind i.e., a person’s inner wisdom is awaiting to be discovered and accessed.
Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources and choices they perceive available to them.
All meaning is context dependent.

Note: Presuppositions are assumptions. Accepting them as beliefs, personally and/or professionally, allows one to be flexible in dealing with others and get, consistently, positive results.

Now, let’s assume we are having a heated argument with someone or dealing with a rather tough person or situation.

A. The Story from the “Other” Side OR being in Someone Else’s Shoes

“Never judge a person, until you have walked a mile in their moccasins.”

Native American saying

The ability to perceive things from the point of view of another is a key skill in understanding people. Moreover, it is important to communication processes in all relationships, negotiations, interviews, etc. There is a wonderful skill they teach you in NLP called Perceptual Positions, a technique to understand in depth, different perspectives, which I will partly use here to demonstrate the point.

For instance, imagine you have an argument and/or angry at an inconsiderate driver, or dealing with an aggressive customer or an obnoxious boss or a nagging child.

Here, being in someone else’s shoes, is precisely what I require you to do.
You disassociate from yourself and associate in the “other” person and experiencing how the world is for them, taking their viewpoint.
This is the Perceptual Position of the ‘other’ or 2^nd position in the technique.
You need to match the physiology, the walking, seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, believing, of the other person. Association with the “other” is an essential part of emotional intelligence (see “Emotional Intelligence” book by Daniel Goleman).

This is a conscious exercise for your brain. This is all imagination. Your brain needs to find itself in the context of the “other” and will come up with useful insights in any situation, pointing to an enhanced emotional flexibility and a new array of choice responses.

Now, applying the perceptual position of the “other” addressing the examples above,

1. Being in the inconsiderate driver’s shoes and accepting that all behaviour has a positive intention you may deduce that the driver had no recourse for his erratic driving as e.g., he is perhaps responding to an emergency or that his driving is based on an earlier on, in his life, adolescent misconception of being cool and the need to belong, etc.
2. The meaning of the frustration exhibited by the customer, perhaps, is context dependent, a result of him feeling be cheated because of a merchandise’s poor-quality issues.
3. The nagging behaviour of the child is perhaps a result of an ongoing lack of attention. Hence the nagging is the best behaviour the child exhibits to get attention with the resources and choices is perceiving available to him.

B. The Story from Your Side OR walking in your Own Shoes

“If I had a prayer, it would be this:
 God spare me from the desire for Love, Approval, or Appreciation. Amen.”

Byron Katie.

The story, as it appears, standing in your own shoes.
This is the 1^st position in the Perceptual Positions technique. In this position interpretation is only associated with the information you receive through your senses while another’s perspective or point of view are not necessarily considered.

From this position,
IF YOU feel that free will is an illusion, and our situations predetermine our destinies, it implies that you are not sitting in your life’s driver seat; you are a passenger.
In contrast, IF YOU recognize you can lead and respond rather than react to whatever life throws at you, means that you take personal responsibility for yourself.

SO

What if you accept the thought, your personal presupposition, that there is so much precious learning in those tough interactions with others, that will enrich you with resilience, emotional intelligence, equanimity, flexibility in options and wondrous new growth opportunities?

What IF you accept the thought that challenging interactions, is life’s training course for you to become a better version of yourself, the best version of yourself?
As if those challenging interactions correspond to a virtual, role-playing, video game’s ascending competence levels. Only that this game is your Own Life and you are competing with the Best version of Yourself.

“Everything happens for me, not to me.”

Byron Katie.

Accepting this and recalling the above examples, the inconsiderate driver is there perhaps to teach you to be calmer and in control of your actions/reactions, the aggressive customer perhaps is there to teach you empathy, while the nagging child is there to teach you compassion and conscious action towards those in need.

Concluding Thoughts

“Where we have strong emotions, we are liable to hurt ourselves”

Carl Sagan

What I am proposing, are ways that will move a person from the personal story/drama during a compromising situation, a confrontation with a difficult individual, into

• growing a person’s skill to make meaning of their experience and
• use it as the springboard for accelerated self-growth.

The steps in Brief

1. Walking in the Other’s Shoes

Take the viewpoint of the other person, fully associated in that person’s experience.
See, hear and feel the story from their physical reality. Match them in every respect.
When you finish ask yourself: what is the positive intention behind their behaviour/action? Get useful insights.

Note: Do not stay in this position for long i.e., do not overthink, and avoid doing this with people exhibiting serious criminal behaviour or severely disturbed in any way.

2. Walking in Your Own Shoes

Irrespective how uncomfortable or unsure you may feel or how humbling the interaction with the “other” was, ask yourself: what are the positive lessons you need to extract and learn, from this encounter with that person. Also ask yourself, if there was at least once an instance, in your past, that you behaved as that person.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Viktor Frankl